No, it’s Not Always Fair in Relationship.

Every person is an individual, with distinct needs, strengths and weaknesses.  The happiest couples are learning more everyday about who their partner is, and what makes them happy.  And they take action, at least some of the time, to do what it takes to make their partner happy.  Well, and yes, it’s not always fair!

It’s not always fair in relationship, because sometimes you may notice your partner’s buttons got pushed.  Perhaps, you said something that triggered one of their “issues”. You would like to create happiness in your relationship – and suddenly your spouse is getting emotionally stirred up, they’re upset, and maybe even they are “going off on you”.  Arguments and disagreements happen.  And your best response may be to step back, to not respond, to stay quiet, or make some soothing remarks.  Maybe you want to respond – you may have a great response to fling back at them.  Yet the caring and loving response is sometimes to hold back.  And in doing that, help them regain composure.  So, it’s not always fair in relationship.

A Happier Partner

But what you do get – if you do that, is a happier partner. And so, you also get a happier relationship and a happier marriage.  In this way, you end up feeling happier too.  Sometimes this is the art of living – to hold back from expressing yourself automatically, so that you can take care of your partner’s needs. Even though it is not always fair in relationship.

Now, if you are already managing your reactions – and always doing that – so much that there’s no room for you to express yourself, now that would be really unfair.  And for your happiness, it may be time to consult with a couples therapist.  A couples therapist will help you both sort out your needs and your partner’s needs, and develop a plan for both of you to get your needs met.  Certainly, a couples therapist will help you learn some new communication skills, so that you can talk to each other without triggering each other so much.  With that, you may be creating a happier marriage, and you may be getting along better with your partner.  And that may feel more fair.  If you want more information about social skills, you may want to look at my blog post on all the social skills in the world.

You will find more articles about relationship on my blog.   Please comment below with any questions or responses to this article.  Or, you can contact me directly with any questions.

Donald Wallach offers couples counseling and individual therapy to those living in Sonoma County and Marin County. He helps clients find solutions to marital problems in their relationship. His office is in Petaluma and serves the surrounding communities including Cotati, Rohnert Park, Novato, Santa Rosa and Penngrove. He enjoys helping others have happier relationships and more fulfilling lives.

If you have any questions about this article, you are welcome to write Don Wallach, LMFT at his website: or call at (707) 583-2305.

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